Voices of Conscience
by eveningspirit1
Summary: Yeah, okay, it was hard on New Caprica. But the Fleeters really didn’t have it that much easier. What’s eating Lee Adama?


Ups, I did it again…

DISCLAIMER: The character's and the universe of the _Battlestar Galactica _do not belong to me.

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VOICES OF CONSCIENCE by -yannik-

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"What a way to mark the high point of your career," says a woman with blond hair and vibrant blue eyes. "It's not how I raised you."

Lee looks at her, and doesn't understand.

"Mom?"

"But then, you're his son." She is sad, full of regrets, and Lee knows he's done something wrong again.

"Yes, you have," she responds with a soft, sad smile. "And I'm sure you don't even know what that was."

Lee's mind races through the memories of last days, last weeks, months, even years.

"Yes, even then," she cuts in. "You left them, remember?" Left? Whom? "Thousands of people. And _Olimpic Carrier_. I know you felt guilty. But wasn't New Caprica so much worse?"

"I thought they were dead," he whispers, as if it could justify his decisions. "I wanted to leave, because I was convinced they were already dead. I thought there was no one to leave behind."

"You _convinced yourself _they were dead. Because it was easier this way."

No, it was not – Lee wants to counter – it was not easy to believe that forty three thousands of people – friends among them – were dead. To re-live the nightmare of annihilation of the Colonies.

"Hmm," she wonders, "so is it easy now, to imagine what would become of them if you left? If it was _you _making decisions?" she accuses.

No it's not easy either. Lee doesn't even want to try to imagine them living under the cylon occupation for months, years and years… Which they would if it was up to him. He wouldn't know, but it wouldn't make their suffering any less.

"They are lucky you weren't in charge."

Yes, they are.

Weakly he tries a different approach, "But we didn't leave them," and looks up at her. But she knows better, she always does.

"Your father didn't leave them," she reminds. "However hard it is for me to admit it – he was right. But. _You. Did_. You left them. And it's not them you returned there for."

Lee bows his head. That's true. He returned because he couldn't face leaving his father behind. His personal feelings overcame the responsibility for the human race.

"Oh, that's not true either," she says. "You returned, because you realized that if he died – you would be the leader of humanity. And you knew you were not bold enough to take that responsibility. You returned out of sheer cowardice."

Lee looks up again and knows she's right. He knows more – when he decided to take the _Pegasus _back to New Caprica, he wasn't planning to return. He was certain he would arrive too late, after the battle had long been over, and perhaps he would manage to destroy one basestar, or two, but that would be it, and then they would go down as well.

"Last heroic act of self sacrifice," his mother mocks, but her eyes are sad. So sad.

"So you wanted to sacrifice me for nothing?" _Pagasus _asks with anger.

"And then humanity would have no military asset whatsoever," his mother reminds. "But it would be your problem no longer, wouldn't it? You chose the easy way out." She nods, giving him that long look he remembers so well. The look that says she haven't expected anything else of him, but still hoped against hope, that he would rise to the occasion. A mother always hopes. "It's not how I raised you, Lee," she sighs.

And she leaves, allowing him to contemplate her disappointment.

"Did you want to sacrifice me for nothing?" _Pegasus _asks again, reminding of her presence.

She is beautiful. Her soul in afterlife is personified in a brave, beautiful woman that looks so much like Admiral Cain. Her eyes are a color of steel, she's clad in plate armor – a true warrior. Athena.

"Oh, don't answer!" she bellows. "What you've done is enough. You destroyed the more powerful of the two ships your Fleet had. _Galactica _survived, so what? She's damaged, she's old, weary. Maybe she can protect you for a while longer, but sooner or later she'll die too. If you'd allowed yourself to rise above your self pity for a moment, and actually discuss some decent plan with Admiral Adama, maybe you could have saved me. Maybe you would have sacrificed _Galactica_ instead, or maybe both of us would still be here. Do you even regret that? Do you see your faults now?"

Lee doesn't answer. He knows that whatever he says, is futile. There is no redemption for him, for all the mistakes he's made. Then he looks up.

There is one more woman, with long black hair, dressed in a black robe that forms into the wings of a bird - another dead ship personified. She stands at a distance, and never says a word.

"You should have taken me with you, _Laura_," he whispers to her. "It would be so much easier."

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But it's not easier, so he wakes up and – realizing he is wallowing in self pity again – grits his teeth, and goes back to work. The three women in his head may know he feels sorry for himself, but he won't let his subordinates or superiors ever see that again.

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.end


End file.
